Theology Changed?

We still kick ourselves for being so deceived.

As we exited a small town church, we found ourselves wondering where to go. Having shopped around before, we weren’t looking forward to the process. Especially after the abuse inflicted and observed at the last one. We were gun-shy, no doubt. We were jonesing for something better. Something more real. God knows. He has good plans for His people.

I reached out to a few friends that have a faith I trust, and what an odd thing I encountered: Everyone was on the move. Several cautiously shared where they were, keenly aware that it didn’t “look” like we all would expect it to. We all recognized that God was using a worldwide pandemic to cleanse His church and shake up some ground. But what did that mean for us who were leaving the American institutionalized cult, wanting Truth without religion and man’s compromise?

We had heard of a church that was meeting in a tent. Having a heart to obey God instead of submitting to their own comfort and fear, they had honored the local government while still honoring God, and received mercy and favor. We knew we wanted to live like we knew Who God was – laughing at the days to come, like the Proverbs 31 woman, the church, ought. These were kinsmen, even if strangers. Week by week, we were exactly where God wanted us, there has never been a doubt of that.

Having been sold the narrative that anywhere different was wrong and “bad” outside of their umbrella, I was cautious. Not because I bought it, but because there would be no chance for folks there to consider us decent on the other side, the outside *doom, doom, doom*. Knowing all of their caveats for what they claimed was “evil” (egalitarianism, some manifestations of the Holy Spirit, deconstructing their legalistic religion, heck, lifting hands while worshipping…), I wanted to be a beacon of Hope when/if any wanted freedom from there. I was nervous that the exuberance of this new place would be a turnoff to them and they would claim our falling from faith. It was a common accusation of folks who exited there.

The Lord is good. This is not the first time He has invited people to speak condemnation at me for my sake. To make me question who I am. In their effort to scare us into obedience (to them), they used words like: dangerous, poison… They rejected me — because I (we?) are “divisive” as we encouraged others to gather and allow the Holy Spirit to lead their lives. To be honest, they never actually told us what it was that we did wrong (or how to make it right). They refused to pray & fast with us. They claimed we had doctrinal differences but we had never discussed them – and they never explained which. When asked, they told us they saw no sin for us to address personally. It’s hard to logic through what they did, but I’ve come to understand it can’t be explained without talking about spiritual warfare. I am comforted by and confident in knowing now that it has nothing to do with me.

Not only are we not seeking favor from men like this, but we suspect they have exhausted their accusations with extremism, and can’t really think or say less of us at this point. Their big guns came out and there’s nothing left. Meanwhile allegations against them are heavy. Every kind of abuse. False teachers. Protectors of predators. They have been confronted for dark things with no account. I really don’t mind them calling me bad for pursuing Jesus. Perhaps they’re right and it would have divided “their” flock for us to stay and speak truth. It certainly has been divided since we left and speak truth, and likely will continue as is the pattern of that place. I suppose we have been dangerous and poison to their plans.

It got me thinking about one accusation that I felt a sting from: the Steenbargers theology has changed.

I spent a long time denying it. We were finally at a place that lives and believes what we do at this new tent church! We no longer were calling ourselves missionaries in our own church (why didn’t we recognize this red flag?). We felt in true unity and fellowship with people on fire for the Lord. There was/is freedom and Hope and Love.

I have to be honest, tho’… As we continued to host Bible studies to encourage women in their identity in Christ (combating extreme fundamentalist and complimentary lies) as they sought safety and Jesus, I couldn’t argue that our theology doesn’t match theirs as well any longer. But had ours changed? I had to wrestle with this as I still didn’t think so. Why?

My Mama (Chris) has become a huge mentor in my life. She points me to Jesus, loves me like a daughter (she’s my step-Mom) and does life with me even in the valleys. We’ve been through a lot together and she’s been such a pillar of who I want to be! I was on the phone with her last week as we were wading through a conundrum, and somehow in the conversation, God gave me the awareness to speak aloud: Our theology didn’t change after we left that church, it changed while we were there. 

This ah ha moment may seem like a small thing, but it was huge to me. I grew up with the Holy Spirit present. I’ve had security and confidence in Him since I was very little. I then spent some years in between in this strange place of wondering where that girl went, never doubting that God was by my side yet. She got lost, but it wasn’t after we exited that church, it was while we were there.In an effort to be in submission and deference to those I was delusional about, I allowed the Holy Spirit to be quenched at least in my walk alongside them. I became small so they might be big. Sounds familiar, right? Perhaps I’m learning… Thank you Jesus for your patience with me!

Ah ha! The connection I’d been missing!

It reminded me of the many testimonies that others have shared about their greatest struggles with darkness (addiction, pornography, etc) being while they were there. Things they had never struggled with before, and things they were completely free of after they left.

Brothers and sisters, spiritual warfare is real. It’s not something to fear if you are on the side of the great Victor. But God asks us to be discerners and to practice recognizing Truth. Our experiences (and our exit out from) there refined us. He brought us out of our Egypt and bondage and slavery – and He promises us a good future. We spent a year in silence, two more in quiet. I had some questions for God to iron out in my heart, and He has.  The things I was afraid were doubts were actually battles that were not truly mine. I emerge fully aware that God is not only with me, but fighting for me. And asking me to speak up. Live fully. Abide in Him. He has given us time to settle into his Provision and kindness, to equip us to live like we believe He delivers His people. And now, as I look into the Promised Land, I am not afraid of those giants.

I’ve had to recognize and repent for allowing my people-pleasing and empathy to misguide my heart, and to diminish God’s creation in me. I still find it amusing that the devil attacked my identity, so subtly, so well. They were afraid of my confidence (even when it was down), of my security and of the spiritual authority I carried with the Holy Spirit living in me.

I no longer even consider my reputation with men like that. They were our dear friends at the time and just like the complete rejection from my abusive biological mom (etc) a decade ago, I know this battle isn’t with her or those fella’s. Nor is it against me. This is a battle against Truth and identity. It isn’t coincidence that the first deception was against Eve’s identity in the garden – the serpent coaxing her to want to be different than God made her (in His image, living in complete freedom with her partner and God in His great creation). Questioning if she was really “all that”. I suspect all of their identity is under attack as much as mine has been.

I cannot express to you how important it is to know who you are in Christ. Not who you are in your marriage, your family, your job, your church. Those are secondary always to the Lord. He is the only King in my life, and those men reminded me of that – albeit opposite of what they were attempting to teach me.

I am grateful for my foundation that so many people instilled in me. Things that I would need for the years ahead when supposed spiritual leaders and my biological mom failed to choose God. Roots that I could return to… to the One who I knew, and who knows me.

Roots matter. The Holy Spirit will answer you if you ask, and will guide you when/where you should go. You can trust Him, and often it’s through intuition. He welcomes your testing, asking for clarity. Men (parents, pastors, friends) may reject you, but God never will. Boundaries are important, wise, and loving. What Satan uses to harm us, God uses for good. He promises life abundant to those who follow Him – often far different than you’d expect. Always better.

Indeed, my theology is not the same as theirs. We do, I realize, have large doctrinal differences. I was blinded. But now I see. I will testify.

***

Our little family was gathered around in a late-night circle in our living room and I said:

“If we really truly embraced who God is, we’d all look like lunatics.”

The response from my adult children: Yes. And these days I’m okay with that.

Indeed, I’m okay with that, too.