Broken I: I’m Not Who I Was

Tho’ I want to tread this gently with this delicate situation, I also want to share my testimony.  And the trials are a huge part of who I am today.  And so I prayerfully am sharing.

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Last month in the midst of some dramatic chaos, I got dragged in.  Someone (stemming into another – both who/m? I love dearly) that knows how to push my buttons, did, resorting to accusing and name calling.  They suggested I’ve changed from a lovely girl to something evil based on wrong assumptions.  Pretty hateful words.  They have let me go* without even talking to me for understanding.  It’s sad.  True to old habits, I sank.  But this time, not as deep or nastily as I used to.  That’s when I realized I’m growing.  Slowly, but surely.  God is good.

Insecurity & Pride

When I was a youth (not so long ago), my best friend at the time, Tara, once told me that I reminded her of the song Everything to Everyone by Everclear, particularly:

You put yourself in stupid places… You do what you do.  You say what you say.  You try to be everything to everyone…

That resonated with me then, and continues to now.  I’ve always been a people person, but have had to learn how avoid becoming a people pleaser.  Especially when I think someone doesn’t like me, or who I am, or what I’m doing or thinking – or when I want to defend myself (or those near me) when being accused unjustly.  There is a massive difference.  Tho’ an arguer at heart in general, particularly playing “devil’s advocate” in controversial discussions, I don’t usually like to share my opinion if I think it will make them think less of me.  So sometimes I just let things slide when I shouldn’t…

“I seem to be drawn toward minefields, not the kind that blow off literal limbs, but the issues that stir up deep feelings and controversy. It’s not that I like conflict. I am far too much a sucker for human admiration to want to needlessly anger people. But I believe that God has a design for the way we should live our lives and interact with our fellow masterpieces of creation.” ~ Jesse Jost

It’s been a constant learning curve for me to know when to speak up, and when not to.  I don’t always do the right thing in this arena (by nature I’m a jabberbox and foot-into-mouther!), but have learned the hard way that less is usually more.  It is better to be accused of not saying enough, than of saying too much.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” James 1:19

This past week, unrelated, I was doubly grateful for a dear friend to take me aside, and lovingly share with me how some of my flippant words had hurt her.  Oh man, what a humbling experience!  But what a precious and true friend!  That we could talk about it, forgive, and love through it all.  She was such a great example to me!

Speaking truth, even in opposition, can be loving.

Bam.  This hit me in the face with realization.  I’ve a lot to learn.  I need to work on accepting (and giving!) this big time if I’m going to live what I believe.

I want to be transparent, and clear with where I stand – which has been a long-time purpose of mine.  I have had to stand up for some things that have not been pretty experiences.  Things I could have been avoided if I would have pretended didn’t exist.  I used to do that.  I was wrong.  To the detriment of my family, myself, and to truth itself.  So I changed my choosing-to-be-blind ways.  It’s not that I didn’t stand up for things – because I did (more often/loud than I should have!) – I just didn’t always choose the right things.  Usually I avoided it for self-feeling (insecurity) or prideful reasons.

So how to deal with this loved one that was attacking me?  Live truthfully and love them.  Try to not waste words, and may the few I say be loving.  It’s been a battle I have not by any stretch conquered.

Feelings are fleeting

The one thing that I have learned and have become rock solid with: It doesn’t matter what I do or say, or how hard I try to convince or give, some people will think what they want.  I shouldn’t cave to the pressures that may (or may not) alter that.  We aren’t here to be fake or not true to who we are or what we believe.  The Bible is clear that we should not fear man.  Or their opinion or response to truth.

My Mom used to say: “If you think something is true, it is true to you.”  She’s right.  I’ve seen that over and over in life.  You can shape life to fit what you think if you’re not seeking Truth.  And two people who I have most loved have done just that about me.  Likely unknowingly.  And heck, so have I.  All based on how we feel instead of reality.

“We let our feelings tell us what’s true, instead of letting the truth transform our feelings.” – CJ Mahaney

…A sad way to live: Chasing after good feelings.  It only leads to a life of vanity, disappointment, and ultimately, depression. – Doug Connell, paraphrased

And so I’ve come to resolve that my biggest reason for changing or defending should never be for others (or my!) “feeling good”.**  Or for gaining their approval.

I’ve also learned that being broken doesn’t mean life is bad.  I used to be think my time of “being broken” was a perpetual negative state of mind.  I used to (years ago now) let it control a lot of my life for a short while.  I realize now how wrong that was.  Now, instead of becoming less emotionally involved, or allowing my feelings to control my life, my feelings are now a deeper and richer peace amidst trial.  My fleeting (despairing, anger, attack) feelings are not as near the forefront of my mind.  They (mostly selfish in nature) are not as important to me.  That said, the more I’ve let go, the softer I’ve become.  It’s a strange transforming that has occurred.  By letting my feelings not have a stage in my life, the depth of love and joy and peace has grown.

I am confident in my foundation, and cannot be dragged down or stomped on by others’ misperceptions or unjust accusations.  I have a bigger Judge (and a good accountability community!) who helps me know my errors, and gives me grace and patience and wisdom to become a better person every single day.  I’m a massive work in progress.  The people who know me best know that I am a self-proclaimed fool in every way in need of help.

Surround Yourself

During counseling over the past month, 3 separate times I was reminded to surround myself with good company.  Not to wallow in my misery or feel sorry for myself, or find people who will agree and fester that spirit.  It was important advice.

So as I continue in this season of trial, these are some reminders that I’m holding dear to my heart (thanks to my pastors wife – beautifully timed!):

As Paul says, it is difficult to battle alone (Rom. 12:15-16).  This is why it is important to develop relationships with people who will encourage you and give you biblically sound advice.  These friends should also be willing to correct and admonish you when they see that you are in the wrong (Prov. 27:5-6). ~ devotional from peacemaker ministries

So the next time you are facing a conflict or broken relationship, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I surrounding myself with people who only tell me what I want to hear?  Or do I have true friends, wise and godly advisors, who love me enough to tell me the truth?
• Are my “friends” just placating my complaining and whining?  Or are they leading me in repentance, confession, and faith?
• What kind of advisor am I?  Do I bring others the hope of the gospel and the practical help of biblical peacemaking?

I know that all of my readers do not desire to live by the Bible and it’s principles, but these words of wisdom are truth from the heart, and good for the mind for absolutely anyone.

Most of all, rest in the peace that passes all understanding.  Be of good cheer, the ruler of this world prowls around, looking to destroy, but will not win.  Instead, count your trials as joy.

So when I’m accused of having changed over the last couple of years, well, I have.  Thank God.

I hope one day these people, my loved ones, will understand my heart.  I hope they can see the good.  I hope they can be proud of who I have become, knowing that they played a huge part in so very much of my life.  Even now, when they’re absent.

*and others.  These two people are struggling in their personal lives, and I know a lot of the hurt they try to send my way is likely their own burden.  I love them both very, very dearly, and wish they could know that.

**of course, trying to be a better person for your spouse, your friends, your family, etc is never a bad goal!  We should always, of course, “look out not only for our interests but also the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4